Can I Persevere Through This?

Hi all. A longer post will be coming when I have the physical and mental wherewithal to write it, but I seriously need prayers, encouragement and good vibes. These last few weeks have been extremely difficult, possibly the most traumatizing, anxiety inducing, depressive causing of my life. I really feel like I am drowning. Every day, I am fighting off extreme depression and anxiety of how I’m going to make it through the next week, the next day, the next month.

I’m still going back and forth with LTD and I’m now told that my case will be examined at the end of December. There are more details to it than that, but at the end of the day, I’m still on reduced pay and have exhausted my savings on bills and unforeseen expenses.

The last few weeks, I’ve been asked to pay for my prescriptions even though I met my deductible back in March. This week, neurologists diagnosed me with severe, chronic migraines and virus-induced labrithitis. I now have additional prescriptions added to the 22 pills I already take and a list of several, expensive, over the counter items I am supposed to now also purchase and add to my regime. After adding up the costs of my next refills and the new prescriptions, I left Walgreens without buying everything I was prescribed because I know that I have really expensive critical medications coming up that I need to budget for and frankly, even then, I don’t know if I’ll have enough.

I often think about the poisonous dialogue in American society that questions why people fall into precarious situations. I know that narrative of what-ifs is what replays in my mind continuously and contributes to my already stressful situation. But I worked in data and with nonprofits specializing with impoverished groups and the truth is that most Americans are a paycheck, illness or disability away from bankruptcy and/or homelessness. I’m constantly reminded by close friends just how much shit I’ve survived and persevered through even to get where I am now.

Most people don’t know, but two years ago, I was drugged and assaulted. Why am I sharing with you? Well, because most health insurance in this country, especially mental healthcare, sucks. Victim’s advocacy is even worse. I paid out of pocket for time off, intensive therapy and to relocate in order to overcome the extreme trauma I experienced.

When I moved back up to the Bay last year, I thought that 2019/2020 was going to be my year. A year to heal. A year to replenish my finances. A year to begin to feel safe again.

The moment I finally began to settle in and breathe, was when I was then hit with a severe, life threatening case of covid.

I’m quite a private person and haven’t shared this past situation with very many people—why the hell I’m now sharing it publicly, I don’t know. Maybe I’m sharing it is because all of this God-damned nightmare is just too much to carry on my own right now.

I feel like I simply moved from one life threatening trauma to another. And now I’m struggling to make it through two more months of bills, medical procedures, doctors appointments, and work all while trying to heal from just the physical trauma of covid.

Anyway. I’m not sure what else to say right now. Prayers for healing, insurance stuff and financial provision would be greatly appreciated. I know I’ve only made it through the last few months because of your support and generosity.

I hate having to ask for help, but so many of you have been quick to remind me that people want to help and that if the roles were reversed, I’d want and would help my friend too. I’m really trying to focus on that positive thought right now.


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